Apparently, I feel a lot. And five wasn't enough. This blog could end up with three of four parts. I can't tell you. I can't predict the future. I can only be honest in my emotions and also let you know that blogging...however cliche it may sound, might actually be helping me to get through this. And my hope is, it will help someone else. So, I will continue to post and I hope you will continue to read.
1. Cold
There was a time in my life when I was struggling with sleeping. I couldn’t seem to fall asleep and when I did, I would have stress nightmares. Lack of sleep caused the apprehension to grow, and all of a sudden I was feeling anxious about going to sleep which made falling asleep even harder. It was a vicious cycle. I had a friend who offered me a suggestion. She said when she was stressed, she would replay her favorite moments in her head before going to sleep: her wedding day, the day her children were born, her first date with her husband, etc. She would focus on falling asleep but if her mind wandered it would wander to a place she was familiar with. She could control where it was going and ultimately it was a warm memory so it comforted her. I made this a practice as well and sure enough, it began to help me to sleep easier. But this drill no longer works for me. Because without her in the world, without my best friend beside me, it is as if the memories have turned cold. Instead of looking back and seeing a warm joyful family filled memory, I see something that was and will no longer be. It is as if the color of the memory changed. They bring coldness instead of warmth. In addition, when I go to look at the future, I don’t see warmth there either. It is hard to be excited about one day getting married or having children when I know that those days will be absent of her. This is where helplessness sneaks in. I have already lost my best friend and ally. She was the person I would go to for support. Memory recall was a calming process for me. Now, I feel that I have lost that as well. And this is the point where things feel overwhelming.
I have these moments where I miss my mom so much that it hurts. It hits me like being punched in the stomach...or better yet, like a cold wind. Like when you walk outside in the middle of a bone chillingly cold day and out of nowhere the wind picks up and takes your breath away. And, for a moment you can't remember what warmth feels like anymore. And I feel like I won't be able to go on, like I'll never feel ok ever again. But, I always do. And sometimes, knowing that I do go on is almost just as hard.
2. Jealousy
I don’t consider myself a very jealous person. So, this particular emotion has left me
feeling very unlike myself. And, in a
time when I already don’t feel like myself, I really don’t need more confusion. I seem to feel jealous of everyone
lately. I walk down the street and feel
jealous of the people passing. They
don’t have to feel what I am feeling inside.
I am jealous of God, because he gets to sit with my mom. I am jealous of the baby my mom miscarried
before I was born, as that child may very well be being held by her at this
moment. I am jealous of my mom that she
no longer has to be a part of this world.
I am jealous of the people I work with, because they aren’t struggling
to hide tears at their desk, or struggling endlessly to find motivation to
work. Normally, I combat jealousy by
fighting back with gratitude. While I do
intend to do that, I also want to recognize that emotion. Because, no one else seems to recognize it.
3. Privilege and Gratitude
My mom touched people.
Her story gave hope and inspired many.
We had so many people come to her service, write on my Facebook, send
cards, and show appreciation. These are
all reminders of just how remarkable my mom was. She was quite extraordinary. She fought hard. She chose joy. She was love.
While the sadness currently outweighs the other more positive emotions,
I do have a growing sensation of warmth from those emotions beginning. It was such a privilege to be her
daughter. I feel quite proud of who she
was. I am proud of who I am because of
her. I am so grateful for the time I had
and just the fact that she was so wonderful.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” Winnie the Pooh said that and you know
what? He knew what he was talking about.
4. Frustration
Everyone recognizes the emotional stress that goes on when dealing with a loss. But what about everything else? On top of all the emotional stuff, I have to call all of the bills, read all of the mail, change everything to be in my name, meet with her banks, have a judge sign papers proving that I am her daughter so I can change things at her banks, by some means go through all of her stuff and countless other things. And, somehow I have schedule all of this around my full time job which I have no time off at because I spent the last 18 months only partially here and then took a lot of time off during the hospice time and after. (Let me just add that my work has been great at working with me! This frustration is not at them but at the situation which has nothing to do with them). These are the things that people don’t think about. Then all of a sudden, I’m drowning emotionally and otherwise.
5. Oceans
Grief is a weird thing.
I thought it would be this uphill battle, like climbing a mountain. It's hard but eventually you get to the top
and its downhill from there. Instead,
I'm finding it’s more like the ocean.
Sadness comes in waves. And a lot
of the time, in fact I would even go as far as to say most of the time, I feel
like I'm drowning. Still, there are
times when my feet feel solid ground underneath all the water, and I have a
moment to look around and see the true beauty that surrounds me. The ocean may be terrifyingly big and deep
but it is also magnificently stunning.
There are things in the water which can hurt or sting me, but there are
also things which can nourish me, or help me along. It is a hard and slow thing, grief is. But, I am learning a lot. So, there is that.
